I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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