Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
