theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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