He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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