I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
