You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
