The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
