he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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