I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
