A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
