just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
