I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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