Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
