got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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