I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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