I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
