I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
