How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
