the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
