When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
