highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just invented taco cereal.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
