I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
His nipple licking is glorious
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