How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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