Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
