btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
