he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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