He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
