so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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