So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
