The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
