you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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