just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
