A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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