i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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