Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
