What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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