i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
