So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
