Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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