Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
