i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
