When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
