I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
