If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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