I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
