I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Is it penis luge time yet?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
