guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
