My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
