eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
