You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
