I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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