I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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