Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
