Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
