3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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