Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
