so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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