I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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