His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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