god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
