Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
