Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
