no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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