And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
