mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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