I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
