so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
